I’m sitting here at my kitchen peninsula (my new writing space for #momlife reasons) as I type, Finn upstairs napping, laundry running in the washing machine, dishes in the dishwasher, and dinner prep going in the oven. I stared at the blank screen of Scrivener to work on a new scene for my novel but after ten minutes have only managed to tear 87 words from my brain. I know exactly what the scene is, but it hasn’t finished percolating, I suppose. I can’t focus.
This morning I was struck by the possibility of resurrecting Whatsername, my personal zine, and since then it’s been one of the only things on my mind. I’ve really stepped back from the zine community, both reading and writing, in the past couple of years, and there’s a hole in my heart that zines used to fill. In considering starting back up, the possibilities feel endless, while at the same time my mind rings with the question: “What’s the point?” A lot of what I’ve been doing lately has been haunted by that thought. What’s the point of learning to watercolor? What’s the point of making all of these scrapbook albums? What’s the point of knitting myself a sweater?
What’s the point of pouring my heart out in print?
And maybe I won’t. I don’t know if I’d even want to go through the hassle of putting it online to sell. My ideal? To find a satisfying way to consolidate what Whatsername was into this blog space. On the one hand, I love writing out book reviews, craft project overviews, and miscellaneous other “blog style” posts. But I also love the heart and the word vomit of personal zines. And while my scrapbooks are becoming a place for that kind of thing, I also recognize my compulsive need to (over)share my personal writing with the greater world–even if that greater world is only, like, two people.
It’s funny; the January prompt for Book of Me from the Awesome Ladies Project is “Currently,” and I didn’t know how I would approach it. I still don’t as far as the scrapbook goes. But there’s something about the fact that currently is how I chose to approach (and title) this impromptu blog post that, if nothing else, makes me chuckle.
Things are hard right now, on the micro and macro levels. There is so much inside me aching to get out: feelings, stories, tears. Venting in “close friends” Instagram stories isn’t enough, and it isn’t productive (even if it sure as hell felt good last night). After setting intentions for the New Moon last night revolving around my writing, my finances, and my health, I think relaunching the spirit of Whatsername–in whatever form that takes–is going to be a major part of that.